Now: how to have a bad morning

This, too, needs preparation – over a longer period, surprisingly, than having a good morning (see yesterday).

1. Go to university
2. Make good friends
3. Hang around for a year, building a reputation for fearsome wit, incisive intellect and being more attractive to homosexual tutors than to the opposite sex
4. Go home for summer and see old friends NB not old like coolj’s current special friend (Fr. Vielle); nor old as in ‘former’ (Fr. Ancien); no, we mean old as in longstanding (Fr. De longue date).
5. Look forward to the coming year
6. Meet a pair of twats (let’s call them A and C) in the first year
7. Get idolised by aforementioned twats
8. Lose will to live
9. Escape to France for a year. Return to find that all real friends have left
10. Allow desperation to mar judgement and bestow society on twats
11. Watch sadly as twats’ idolatry turns rapidly and inevitably to mockery as respect for seniority wanes
12. Allow situation to continue as far as 2005, where necessity has slowly evolved into genuine, if disturbing, affection
13. Go for quiet drink with twats (henceforth friends)
14. Drink several pints with friends
15. Hear self say “Come back to mine – I’ve got some raspberry vodka I picked up from duty free.” Hear aggressive inner voice swear violently while reminding self of need for sleep; hear second, more insecure inner voice wonder whether owning raspberry vodka is something to be admitted to
16. Drink vodka, watch comedy, exchange tales from the day with the lanky twat (housemate home late from separate event)
17. Go to bed at 1am or so, late for a little boy with work next day
18. Wake up with hangover, find that local children (cunts) have stolen back brake from bicycle
19. Take public transport to work
20. Construct more furniture at work. Realise mistake in not stealing and selling on second set of screwdrivers
21. Get told to go to dinner with strange Russian client in the evening at 8pm
22. Protest regarding prior, personal (fabricated) commitment: get told to “fuck off and stop being such a Mary”
23. Head and body ache prevent any semblance of remonstration
24. Lower lip begins to tremble
    

I never used to get hangovers. I worry that their coming heralds the onset of old-age. CJ, could you ask your special friend whether she remembers being 24, and whether hangovers get worse? Let me know. I feel like poo.